Simple Choice
by charisma5
Summary: Sydney is reflecting on the choices she made in life, when she makes a final one. Short and sad, taking place before the SF.


Simple Choice  
  
By: charisma  
  
Summary: Sydney reflects on the choices she's made in life, and makes a decision. Short and sad vignette, taking place before the season finale, and AU after that. Told from Sydney's POV.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own nada. Zip. Zilch. So don't sue.  
  
Feedback: Please, even though this fiction isn't exactly deep, or incredibly exciting, I would really appreciate it.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Life's harder than I could have ever expected. I mean, if you would have told me fifteen years ago that I would become a secret double agent, that my parents would have been secret agents also, and that my fiancé would be killed by my boss, I would have laughed outright in your face. But life has a way of screwing you over, until it's the one laughing. And believe me when I say that I've had my fair share of being screwed over, royally. So many times that my smile is never real any more, and I don't even know what it feels like to be truly happy since seven years ago.  
  
Sure, it was my decision to be recruited into SD-6. I'm the one who trained, swore to secrecy, made the vows, took place in missions. It was me who ultimately chose a life of lies and secrets. But how could I ever know? How could a young woman ever truly realize that her life is going to change entirely with just one little choice? You can't. I couldn't. And I'm regretting that decision for the rest of my life. My whole life is destined to be lonely and sad, and I'll never know the happy ignorance of those who lead the 'normal' lives, the simple lives where the biggest concern is getting dinner on the table, bills paid, kids to school. Instead, I'm dealing with ancient artifacts, murdering assassins, and plots to destroy countries. Tell me that it's okay, I'll be alright, but it doesn't help. It never will. You know why? Because I'll never be okay. I'll never be fine. Once you've had a taste of the secret life, you're changed forever.and I fear that I'll never know the joys in life.  
  
People can be fooled by me, with my lame excuses and fixed explanations, but they can't fool me. I know that soon my friends will think I'm crazy, or avoiding them, or simply lying to them, with all these 'bank' trips I'm taking. And when that day comes, they'll leave me like everyone else in my life. My mom, my fiancé, my life. Than I'll be all alone.but I guess technically I already am. I can't have a love life, for fear that they discover my secret. Look what happened to anyone who tried before. I don't exactly hold a great track record. And it hurts too much to lose someone else. I've experienced so much loss already in my short life that my heart can't accept even more. My heart can't even grieve because there's nothing left in there. My heart aches, and the dull throb is constant. It cries out for me to open up, to love, and to let myself be loved in return. I wish my brain could send along the message that love is impossible. It would make things so much easier. But like I've said before, when has life been kind to me? When have I gotten what I wanted? Call me selfish, but I've learned that's the only way I can be anymore.  
  
With a simple choice, my spirit died. And now, with another simple choice, I'll fully die. I just can't take it anymore. The pain numbs me, tunes everything else out, tears me apart more each day from the inside. No one can live like that. It's so hard to act like I'm normal, really while deceiving someone. Even if that someone is a bastard, all those other people you're deceiving make you want to cry. Their innocence astounds me, and nowadays it's hard for me to be surprised. Life bit me in the ass, and now I'm going to bite back. Maybe I'll finally find peace, a peace that will let me be free. Finally. Maybe I can finally be happy.  
  
I'll leave this life knowing that I was loved, and I did do some good in a mass of evil and chaos. I tried to make a difference, and that's enough to please me. Although I'll never know the sweet happiness of getting married, or having children, or growing old, at least I can say that my life had some meaning. Not to many people can truly say that. Harsh reality has broken me, and maybe that was supposed to happen all along. Maybe my memory will alert others, and they'll work toward what I died fighting. Than they can be happy, and live the life I always wanted. They can know all that I ever wanted to, and have all that I ever dreamed of.  
  
*  
  
Dear Dad,  
  
I know that I never really got to say good-bye. I'm sorry for the hurt I'm causing, but I know that it was truly the best. Maybe not for you, but for me it was, because I couldn't live with all the guilt and emptiness anymore. I don't think I was cut out for the double agent life, a life where everything went around in circles. Dad, life shouldn't be all pain.it destroys you. I guess a stronger person would disagree, but no matter what you say, I was never as strong as you seemed to think, and my strength couldn't beat the pain. But your faith in me touched me deeply, and always know that I did love you. Always did, and always will.  
  
I know we didn't have a good relationship. Maybe it just wasn't meant for us to be a normal father and daughter, because we were anything but ordinary. But we were alike, and knowing that I share some of the same traits as an ambitious, strong, courageous man make me happier than you could ever know. No matter about Mom, because that's all forgotten. I forgive you for hiding all of it from me, because I know now that the knowledge only cause me more grief and extra pain that my already heavy heart couldn't carry. With the weight of the world on my shoulders, I would say that finding out about her broke the straw on the camel's back. Never blame yourself.after all, it is one's own fault entirely for the decisions they make in life. All I can say is that Mom made a tough decision, and she never looked back. Neither will I, and I don't want you to either.  
  
Please Dad, take down SD-6. I couldn't bare it if they continued to destroy lives and hurt innocents as they do. But don't do it for me; do it for everyone else that you'll make happy when you take that bastard Sloane down. Just think that your life can be lived in peace, and that makes me happy. I want you to know that life can be joyous, and you deserve to find that joy. Always remember that you had a daughter that loved you very much, even though she didn't love herself. Don't ever let my death hold you back. Dad, you were my idol.  
  
Good-bye. I love you, Dad.  
  
Sydney  
  
*  
  
Dear Micheal,  
  
It feels weird to call you Micheal, after all the time of calling you Vaughn. But that's not what I'm going to talk to you about; I need to tell you more important things than hesitancy in calling you by your true name. But somehow that can sum up our whole relationship, in the most easiest way. Our relationship was taboo, and we never knew the real us.  
  
We never had enough time. Even if we did, it would have never worked out. I loved you, and even if you did love me, our lives were to separate and complex to be able to love each other freely. People always say that love can get you through anything, but that's a lie. Love does have boundaries, and it does cause pain. In the end, there was to many boundaries to over come, to much missing to be able to even start the relationship you deserved. Because you deserved the world, but I could only give you a country. My love would be tinged, just like my heart is. You didn't need someone complicated; you needed light and joy. I could only give you darkness and pain.  
  
You are an amazing person. Ever since I met you, I knew that you were different than other agents, different than those cold-hearted killers I was used to. Your simple compassion for me, a stranger who just walked into your office one day bloody and bruised, honestly stunned me. That was one of the reasons I loved you. Of course, there is many others, but too many to name. In the most convenient definitions, I loved you because you were the kindest, smartest, bravest, and not to mention one of the most good- looking men I have ever met. I fell hard, and my heart broke when I realized that we could never be. That small realization hit me harder than when I found out about the real people I was working for. And it hurt much more than that, too.  
  
Don't ever cry for me Micheal, because it's not worth your pain. I needed to leave, end my harsh torture, and this is the only was I knew how. I'm not as strong as you or my father; I'm weak inside, and I couldn't find the despair, or the darkness. Maybe inside, I didn't even want to anymore. I was tired of fighting, tired of feeling, tired of living. You were the bright spot in my life, and when I knew that we could never love each other the bright spot went out. I don't want you to feel guilty, or responsible for my memory. Just work hard to get rid of SD-6, and always know that my love is carried on through you. But don't ever let my memory stop you from loving; find that wife, the one who can make you truly happy. Fall in love, and know that whatever you will have is better than what I could have given you.  
  
I'm sorry Micheal. I'm sorry for who I was, what we couldn't have, what I was missing, and what I left you with. I'm sorry for your pain, for your sadness, for your guilt. Just let it go, and know that I'm in a better place. A place where darkness doesn't surround me, and I don't feel empty. Maybe one day we'll see each other again Micheal, and we'll be able to love each other like it should be. For now, live your life to the fullest, because I want you too.  
  
Bye, Micheal. Always know that you had my heart from the first day we met, and you will for eternity.  
  
Sydney  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
~FIN~ 


End file.
